Understanding BPD and Other Personality Disorders (Part Three)

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder and Other Personality Disorders (Part-Three)

Within this blog post (and throughout this blog-series) I wish to further explore the thought processes, and behaviours, related to BPD (and other personality disorders); and how these relate to our rapidly changing states of mind, feelings and emotions.

(The mental health diagnosis I have been given is that of borderline personality disorder. ~ Nicola Edwards)

                                           

This blog post is a continuation of "Understanding BPD and other personality disorders" Parts One and Two.

One of the recognised symptoms of borderline personality disorder is "identity disturbance" - which is, a significant, and persistently, unstable self-image or sense of self - and is, another large contributing factor towards my own difficulties with communicating and interacting, with other people and the world around me.

"Identity disturbance" is also known as "identity diffusion" (terms which refer to the difficulties a person may have in determining who they are in relation to other people).

Often, I feel as though I am not a real person, I feel as if I am non-existent. 
Like, I'm a work of fiction; an invisible; a ghost.

Identity disturbance can make it hard for people, like myself, to find our place in the world; and difficult for us to identify, or convey, a "consistent" and "stable" personality.

Those with borderline personality disorder often report changing who they are depending on the circumstances and how they believe others want them to behave.
This I can certainly relate to: in most situations I will attempt to "blend in."

Often find I find myself "tailoring" my behavior to suit the circumstances or situation.

I observe the other people around me, and will then imitate them, in order to display behavior which I believe is deemed to be appropriate at that time.

Sometimes, upon observing and imitating others' behavior, their current behavior will seem to contradict past behavior or actions. When this happens, I find myself reassessing the appropriateness of my own behavior and actions.

Although it is true to say that everyone changes their behavior to some extent in different situations, but with BPD this change in behavior tends to be more profound.

Throughout this blog series on BPD, and other personality disorders, I have been referring a lot to the inconsistencies in those of us with borderline personality disorders, in terms of our thoughts, behaviors and actions.

The "definition" of a borderline personality disorder diagnosis is based upon signs of emotional instability, feelings of depression and chronic emptiness.

The inconsistencies and conflicts in thoughts, behaviors and actions - associated with BPD - tend to leave me at odds with myself; often with my own behavior, and actions, working in spite of myself.

For example:

• Within my relationship with my parents.

Despite being in my twenties and living alone in independent accommodation, I'm still very dependent on my parents (I spend a lot of time with them, and they often help me out with day-to-day chores).

However, I also often feel "crowded" by them and feel that they are working against me.

I thoroughly enjoy my independence, but also long to be "looked after", or "cared for" by another person.

• My thoughts and actions work in spite of myself in a similar way in terms of "Isolation vs. Socialising."

I go through periods of self-isolation - in other words cutting myself off from everyone. But, even during these periods of self-isolation, I become depressed due to extreme feelings of loneliness.

• Within my relationship with my friends.

When I meet someone whose company I truly enjoy and feel comfortable with; I form "intense" relationships with that person, which can sometimes make my company feel quite demanding.

I focus on those relationships which I have "favouritised", which can cause myself to become partly-dependent upon that particular friend. This may include behaviors such as calling a friend for support at "unreasonable hours" (ie. late-night/early-morning phone-calls).

• Within "sexual" and/or "romantic" type relationships.

My present feelings and ideas towards all relationships will be rooted in, and based upon, past experiences.

The abusive nature of most of my past "sexual" and "romantic" experiences, means that my present and current ideas towards those types of relationships are very "mixed-up"

I feel confusion and fear towards these sorts of relationships.

Due to past experiences I devalue myself in order to feel approval. I tend to distrust all those whom I "fall" for, I believe that they will use my feelings towards them against me as a form of control and abuse.

....

Understanding the "identity disturbance" in a borderline personality disorder diagnosis can help to understand the inconsistencies and conflicts in our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and actions.
Understanding "identity disturbance" can help to understand why those of us with the diagnosis behave the way we do.

The next part of this blog series will be titled, "Understanding BPD and PTSD" -where I will look at the crossover between a borderline personality disorder diagnosis and a post-traumatic stress disorder diagnosis.

Related previous blog posts:

'Understanding BPD and other personality disorders (Part One)' ~ April 2012

'Understanding BPD and other personality disorders (Part Two)' ~ April 2012

'What is BPD?' ~ August 2010

Understanding BPD and other Personality Disorders (Part Two)

Understanding BPD and other Personality Disorders (Part Two)

This blog post is a continuation of 'Understanding BPD and other Personality Disorders (Part One)'

Within this blog post (and throughout this blog-series) I wish to further explore the thought processes, and behaviours, related to BPD (and other personality disorders); and how these relate to our rapidly changing states of mind, feelings and emotions.

(The mental health diagnosis I have been given is that of borderline personality disorder. ~ Nicola Edwards)

People with BPD, and other personality disorders, are often - mistakenly - thought of as "trouble-makers", due to behaviours which could be misconceived as being "anti-social."  Misconceptions of the behavioural traits displayed in those with a PD diagnosis include seeing people with these types of diagnosis' as manipulative, attention seeking, demanding, and obstructive.

I have been accused of displaying all of these behaviours at one time or another.

To say that those of us with personality disorder diagnosis' are "manipulative" is an extremely harsh statement to make.

I'll put it this way:
I constantly find I am at odds with both myself (internal - thoughts and emotions), as well as, the world around me; often unsure of the appropriate
behaviour for (many) situations; and, when past actions or behaviours have produced the desired outcome, it can seem that in order to produce the same desired outcome in similar future situations it would be "appropriate" to conduct myself in the same manner as in the past.

Another personal example of behaviour that could be thought of as "manipulative", is the way in which I often find it hard to address a subject, or concern, head-on; I tend to skirt around my needs, wants, desires, and/or concerns - behaviour which is due to difficulties with communicating my thoughts and feelings.

A highly relevant point to note, here, is that those of us with personality disorders have often had our behaviours reinforced on many different occasions.

To say that our behaviour is purely "attention seeking" is also an unfair  statement to make.

Living with BPD can be extremely painful on a daily basis; personally, I often feel in turmoil, which can feel like my own personal hell. The way in which I tend to communicate these feelings is through screaming, shouting, and/or aggressive behaviour.

Personality disorders are long-term (life-long) mental illnesses with which its associated problems persist for many years, without real hope for a cure; although, symptoms are likely to lessen as a person ages. So, surely, it is understandable why this would make a person quite demanding, and impatient.

People with personality disorders are likely to be involved with mental health services for a lot longer from adolescence right into the late adult years. After years of being offered so many different services and treatments, a person can start to feel like a guinea pig, and then become reluctant to engage / continue with another service or treatment.

This is one of the reasons for why I have found myself to be reluctant to receive treatments on offer (particularly drug-based treatments). Behaviour which could be seen as being "obstructive"; in other words, this behaviour could be seen as me obstructing my own recovery by refusing services and treatments on offer.

However; there have been times when, because of my borderline personality disorder diagnosis, and the behaviours which come with it, the mental health services have been the ones to cease attempts to engage with myself, as opposed to the other way round.

Diagnoses of personality disorders, including BPD, are largely stigmatised particularly among mental health professionals with many of those with PD diagnoses being seen as "trouble makers". It is for this reason that mental health services can sometimes disengage with patients, which, in turn, can cause patients (or "service users") - like myself - to disengage with current, and future, treatment.

BPD and other personality disorders diagnosis' tend to carry more stigma than most other mental health diagnosis', and not just within everyday encounters with other people (i.e. those who aren't mental health professionals), but also with those whom work within the mental health services.


This blog series on BPD and other personality disorders will continue in Part-Three, coming (very) soon.

Related previous blog posts:

'Understanding BPD and other personality disorders' ~ April 2012

'What is BPD?' ~ August 2010


'Understanding BPD and Other Personality Disorders (Part-Three)' has been added. ~May 2012

Understanding BPD and other Personality Disorders (Part One)

Understanding BPD and Other Personality Disorders

This is Part One of a series of blog posts which will explore borderline personality disorder (BPD) and other personality disorders.

I have explored borderline personality disorder in a previous blog post (posted in August 2010) titled, "What is BPD?"

Within this blog post (and throughout this blog-series) I wish to further explore the thought processes, and behaviours, related to BPD (and other personality disorders); and how these relate to our rapidly changing states of mind, feelings and emotions.

(The mental health diagnosis I have been given is that of borderline personality disorder. ~ Nicola Edwards)

The fluctuation of moods is one of the main characteristics shared by those with a  borderline personality disorder diagnosis.

The rapidity with which our thoughts and feeling change is often extremely overwhelming and often can make a person with BPD feel confused. Which can, therefore, make it harder for that person to communicate their true thoughts and feelings clearly to not only others, but sometimes to themselves also.

I cannot tell you how many times close friends and family become frustrated with me because they feel I am "not making any sense" - which, in turn, frustrates myself because I feel "misunderstood" by them.

Other characteristics of this mental illness include; distorting reality, depression, a tendency to see things in "black and white" terms, and impulsiveness (a trait which I covered extensively in "What is BPD?")

Probably the most common trait shared by those with a borderline personality disorder is an overwhelming feeling of "emptiness" along with a chronic fear of abandonment.

I often feel as if I am being forced to live within a world in which I do not fit into, nor belong to; as well as it being a world in which, I feel, I am not wanted.

As is the same with many others with BPD, I have a damaged view of myself; often believing there is "something wrong with me" (i.e. that I am "defective"), and I would sometimes even go as far as to regard myself as "evil". Despite whether or not there is actually any real truth to this sort of "faulty thinking".

More often than not, this type of faulty thinking and damaged view of oneself is due to abuse during childhood, frequently sexual abuse, but it can sometimes also result from more subtle forces, such as a mismatch between the extremes in temperament, common among people with borderline personality disorder, and a not-so-accommodating parenting style (particularly during the BPD-sufferers childhood).

This negative perception of myself, or (to phrase it better) lack of self-worth, can make it very difficult for a person with a personality disorder diagnosis, like myself, to form and maintain relationships (of any kind); as well as, participate in social interaction at an "acceptable" and/or "appropriate" level. Feelings of "emptiness" and "not belonging" are also more-than a huge hindrance on day-to-day life; as are also the constantly changing thoughts, feelings, and/or states of mind towards real, or imagined, current life circumstances.

The thought processes, associated with personality disorders, are thought to generally manifest in a person's behavioural patterns in two different ways; either a person will either externalise their thoughts and feelings, or they will internalise them.

A person whom internalises tends to turn their anger inwards; even if their anger is directed at another person, they will not confront this person or behave in an aggressive manner towards them. Instead they direct their anger at themselves; for example, by blaming oneself, or through self-harm, or self-deprecation.

On the other hand, a person whom externalises tends to turn their anger outwards; which can manifest itself in aggression, angry outbursts, law-breaking and hyperactivity.

It is quite possibly true to say that either sets of actions, whether that be internalisation or externalision, are consistent with BPD; and that both can possibly occur in the same person, on the same day!


It is believed (particularly within personality disorder support groups and communities) that there are those with borderline personality disorder whom are "high-functioning", and these are those whom are "low-functioning". (Although some experts would dispute the existence of either of theses modes in the context of BPD.)

A person whom is "high-functioning" is thought to be able to present a stable and calm image when within social and professional circumstances and situations. In other words, they are able to "normalise" their behaviour when they are "in public" - and hide their illness from the outside world. However, when that same person is with close friends or family (i.e. behind closed doors), that "need" to hide their mental health problems, or to "normalise" their behaviour, no longer feels necessary. Often in situations involving close family and friends the traits generally associated with that person's diagnosis can become much more apparent.

A person whom thought to be "low-functioning" in relation to their personality disorder diagnosis is believed to lack control, or have no control, over the way in which their mental illness affects their outward behaviour when either in public or at home behind closed doors.

Again, both of these behavioural patterns are consistent in a person with a BPD diagnosis. In other words, it is possible for those with borderline personality disorder to fall into both the "high-functioning" and "low-functioning" modes.

When I am confronted with social situations where I feel uncomfortable or anxious, and where I feel I may not have made a good impression (regardless of whether this is true or not), I find myself "switching" from blaming myself for having what I feel are poor social skills, to blaming other people for people for not being wholly accommodating towards my lack of social skills and interaction.

I have a tendency to internalise when in social, and professional, circumstances or situations - i.e., blame myself for lacking in social and/or problem-solving skills - I tend to keep any bad thoughts of feelings to myself. I tend not to externalise my distress in those situations - I don't show aggression or lash out.

However, with close friends and family my tendency is to externalise my anger and/or distress by becoming aggressive or defensive. Behaviours which are often due to myself misinterpreting an off-hand comment from a loved one, as a thought-out personal attack on myself.

The constant fluctuation of moods (commonly known as Affective Lability), as  characterised by the borderline personality diagnosis, often causes distress in those with the mental illness, and can be very confusing, making it hard for that person to communicate their feelings clearly to the people around them.

In Part Two of this series I shall be further exploring personality disorders - focusing, as I have in this post, on borderline personality disorders - and the way in which people with these mental health diagnoses interact directly with other people, as well as the world around them.

Thank-you for reading; and I look forward to, hopefully, seeing you again in Part Two!

Previous blog post - August 2010: "What is borderline personality disorder (BPD)?"

"Understanding BPD and other Personality Disorders (Part-Two)" has been added. ~ 27/04/2012


"Understanding BPD and Other Personality Disorders (Part-Three)" has been added. ~01/05/2012

New Poetry!

Eleven new poems have been added to the Free Your Mind 'Creative Bank'

The first new entry is a submission from a writer known as 'Spizzie 69'.

Past the Expiry 
The Darkness deepens as the pointless Plot thickens And the Black Clouds Weep at the memories of the past.
They have now just become shadows that fade into the nothingness of time
The once effective have became the rejected and now put aside to become The forgotten
Like the autumn leaf that now falls to the ground with its use expired
to be absorbed back into the soil and become the muddy foot print of something that once was!
Or as easily disposed of as the discarded waste from the night before!
So as the sunsets for the long night ahead, often wondering if there will be a dawn?
No new Day? No new Hopes? No new Dreams? No Life? No existence?
Best Before!....... Sell by! ..........Use by! .........Warranty invalid!........ Sold as seen....Dispose of carefully.....and Please DO NOT RECYCLE!!!

The following (10) poems, which have also been added to the 'Creative Bank', were originally posted to my Myspace blog in May 2010 and April 2009.

~Nicola Edwards

Sonnet

Falling in love is a common affair; 
a task arranged to be an ultimate end
to the loneliness that I bear.
I want more than just a one-night stand; 
I’m looking for someone I can depend
on, and someone who is willing to care.
I want someone who will always be there.
To never know love just doesn’t seem fair.
They talk about love in songs and losing
your heart to the one they promised would come.
But, no knight in shining armour ever comes
to rescue me from life’s knocks and bruising.
So, I remain alone, my heart intact, 
not knowing if love is fiction or fact.

Science Fiction

What wouldn’t I give to travel with Kirk and Spock
and boldly go
where no man has gone before.
Or run with the Doctor where nothings ever slow. 
To enter the TARDIS and claim
“It’s bigger inside” before we go.
I’d leave this life and runaway.

Perhaps, 
if it were all real,
I wouldn’t plan this to be my final day.

Lies

Deep in the darkest part of her soul
is where her lover lies.

On the other side of the river, 
as far away from home as allowed, 
she lives a double life
which will bring her trouble and strife.
But her heart tells her it’s alright.

She has hidden her fear
that her lover will find out
she is another man’s wife.

  

Love Hurts

With all the will in the world I push him aside
until he is nothing
but a distant memory; 
until the pain he caused is fleeting.
No more will I be needing him. 
From here on out, 
it’s me, myself and I.
No more heartache, 
no more crying
with him I made a mistake.
From here on out 
I’m alone.

How I missed this painless bliss!

Lonely Woman

Whisky in hand,
in a dark, dingy bar.
It’s late and the bar is almost empty,
but the woman is unaware of the time
and even her
surroundings.
Only the no-smoking sign is apparent.
She downs her drink and rises from her stool.
Outside in the cold
she lifts a cigarette stick to her lips;
she inhales
and wonders what happier women do.
She exhales.
Time to call a cab; these streets aren’t safe for a lonely woman.

The Lonely Pupil

Troubled teenager, crouched in the corner
Shrouded in darkness, hair all a mess
Tear-stained face, lip split open
Covered in purple bruises.

The bell rings, and the student gathers her books,
Composes herself
Thinking how to explain away the damage
As the lonely pupil heads to her next class.

Do You See Me?

Do you notice I’m here?
Do you realize how I feel?

You’re oblivious
and it’s killing me.

Do you see me?
Do you even notice I’m standing right here?

My feelings run deep
and it hurts like tiny cuts.

Do you know I exist?
Do you even know I’m there?

My feelings for you
are like a cyst on my broken heart.

Will you ever notice me?
And how I can’t resist your tempting looks?

The End

The point-of-no-return
is getting closer.
Turning back
all I see is darkness
and the people I’ve left behind

Walking forward
I pick up my pace
making my heart race.
Unsure of what I’m heading toward
but I’m resilient and know I must carry on.

As I get closer
the light becomes brighter.
I’m scared of what lies ahead,
this path is unknown to me
and anyone who walks it.

I’m almost there now.
My breathing slows,
it becomes hard to think,
and my heart beats its final beat.
This is my stop. The end of the line.

Public Transport 

A curse on public transport

which bears the stench

of greasy takeaways;

and a curse on their sticky floor,

which invokes a sound like Velcro as you cross it to your seat.

A curse on public transport

for being unreliable, 

leaving me the commuter, 

to stand out in the drizzle.

A curse on public transport

for being a stifling oven 

in the summer,

and then below freezing in the winter.

But a final blessing on public transport

for without you I could not travel.....

On a bus

Looking out of a window
scenes rush by
- a woman drops her shopping –

on the bus a baby cries.